It often seems that the choice of a partner is an accident.
We meet by chance, something suddenly catches us in a person – and for reasons that are not clear to us, we fall in love with him, although there are other, perhaps even more worthy applicants around.
But it’s no coincidence.
Randomness only helps to implement the laws on the basis of which pairs are formed. These laws work on a subconscious level, so they are often unknown to consciousness and that is why it cannot influence their action.
WHAT CONTROLS THE CHOICE OF A PARTNER?’
1. Emotional program
It is formed in childhood, in the parent family. For a child, family=love. He looks at how mom and dad communicate with each other, how parents communicate with him, and thus gets an idea of love. This representation is recorded on a subconscious level. And it turns out that for someone love is warmth, intimacy, mutual understanding, respect, and for someone-conflicts, violence, alienation, constant violation of each other’s borders.
When we grow up, we subconsciously start looking for a partner who will reproduce for us what we saw and felt in the parental family,that is, help us realize our emotional program. We are not looking for the good, we are looking for the familiar.
If we proceed from this, it becomes clear why, for example, a girl who grew up in a family with a dependent father chooses the same dependent husband. And a man who was raised by a controlling and domineering mother takes the same woman as his wife. For them, such a relationship is love.
Partners who grew up in other families are simply not interested in them, they “do not see”them. And if they do, they do not like them, because what they offer does not give the opportunity to experience the same strong feelings. A girl from a destructive family will be bored with a healthy man, because he is emotionally available, respects her boundaries, does not try to control, and this means that he does not give her a feeling of emotional “swing”, which is given, for example, by a dependent man, and which she needs, because it feels like love.
And a man who is used to female control will feel very uncomfortable around a woman who is ready to transfer responsibility to him and follow him. This model of interaction between a man and a woman is completely incomprehensible to him, although in words he can say that this is what he wants.
If you regularly choose relationships that do not suit you, it is worth dealing with your emotional program. First you need to see it, and then change in it what prevents you from being happy(oops). This process takes time, and it is more effective to carry out it together with a specialist (just as it is more effective to change the shape of the body under the guidance of a coach).
2. Family speakers
This is a term from the theory of family system arrangements. We are all members of our family system. Each family system develops according to certain laws, and it has its own processes that inevitably affect us. We get involved in the dynamics of our family system and subconsciously begin to look for a partner who, having entered our system, will begin to help us carry out what we do for it.
I’ll give you an example.
The girl “saves” her mother (this is one of the most common speakers). She supports her, solves her problems, takes her on vacation, comes up with entertainment for her so that she does not get bored. What kind of man would she be looking for? Most likely, one that will support her in the matter of “saving” her mother. And the one who refuses to support this process will cause her rejection. But even if she likes him, it will be very difficult for the couple to keep their feelings in the large number of conflicts that await them, because their views on life will be very different.
Mom broke up with her dad, who cheated on her, and decided for herself that all men are “goats”. Her daughter absorbs this belief and begins to “carry” it with her mother. So she shows her love for her, sharing her burden, that is, she also “saves” her mother, but in a different way. What kind of men will such a girl choose? It is not difficult to assume that “goats”, because if she accepts that men are different and there are not only “goats” among them, then mother will have to bear her weight alone.
B. Hellinger’s method of family system arrangements works effectively with the topic of family dynamics. If you are unfamiliar with him, then read about him, and if he will cause you to trust, go as a substitute to different placemakers. This will give you the opportunity to get acquainted with the method from the inside and choose your specialist.
3. The desire to heal your injuries
We’re all traumatized, but traumatized in different ways. Subconsciously, we attract those partners who will put pressure on our pain points, so that we finally see these points and heal.
Initially, almost all relationships begin with joy, with a period of “rose-colored glasses”. But inevitably, sooner or later, each couple comes to a state where both partners begin to experience pain from each other’s actions. If the feelings are strong and the partners want to maintain the relationship, then they will deal with their pain. If the strength of feelings is not so great, then, most likely, it will be easier for one or both to change a partner than to change something in themselves. That is why, having fallen in love, a person can change very much.
For example, a man with a trauma of abandonment will subconsciously choose women who will leave him, activating his trauma (initially, the trauma of abandonment in boys is activated by the mother at an early age). If the pain is very strong, then perhaps the man will finally want to deal with it. After working through his relationship with his mother and his trauma, he will choose completely different partners in the future,because he himself will be different.
A huge part of psychotherapy is dealing with trauma. Identify where your pain is located. Do not run away from it, but give yourself time to live it, and then it will end, and the wound will heal, and something in your life will go differently.
Ignorance of the laws by which we make our choices does not negate their actions. They still work and control our lives. But if, knowing them, you start to deal with your emotional program, dynamics and traumas, then you can change a lot in your life: after all, we are controlled by what we are not aware of – and we control what we are aware of.